Why bother?

[aislynn]

I received some probably wise advice tonight: if I stress SO much over vidding, then why am I even bothering? If I'm such a stupid perfectionist (adjective mine) and it makes it SO hard to even choose the next clip on the timeline, then how can I honestly say it's fun? And if it's a hobby, isn't it supposed to be fun?

I've got no answer for that. I'm sitting here feeling literally exhausted from working on this vid for the past 2 hours. I have not advanced it any at all tonight. It's still at 1:39. I spent all my time trying to straighten out the INSANE timing and trying to smooth out the rough transitions where my clips were too short to fit the time I needed them to fit. Then I sat here for the past 30 minutes trying desperately to find the next set of clips. I've tried just sitting here listening to the music with my eyes closed (sometimes I'll suddenly "see" what's supposed to go next). I've tried sitting here quietly and just going through the bin thing (I've already closed Vegas and I guess I'm upset enough I can't remember what the "holding pen" for your eps/clips is called *sigh* ) and hoping that inspiration would strike (sometimes that works as well).

I've got nothing. I literally CANNOT find the next clip. So I jumped ahead to the next clip that I did know (it's so nice that Vegas lets you do that). I found that clip that's about 6 seconds down the timeline, cut it out... and it's got the blinkies. BAD. *sigh* If you know Vegas, then you know that that is its neurotic twitch. You'll have 50 split-seconds of black randomly strewn through your clip. I've found the quickest way to deal with it is to zoom in close, then go through it one split-second at a time, splitting the clip and removing each instance of black until you've got rid of them all. Then quickly re-rendering that piece and use THAT for your vid. If you wait too long, more blinkies will appear and you'll have this one clip cut into a zillion pieces for nothing. *sigh* I started to do that and realized...the clip really doesn't work there. So I didn't bother "de-blinking" it.

So, scratch that 6 second ahead clip. I'm back to nothing again. And I'm dead tired and I have nothing to show for all this wrestling and fighting I've done with this thing today. It's been 6 weeks today since I put the first clip on the timeline. At this rate, it'll be another month before I'm done with the last minute and, you know what? I'm sick of looking at this thing. I just want it DONE so I don't ever have to meet it in Vegas ever again. And that's a real great way to feel about my vid. It'll certainly show in this last minute, that's for sure.

I'm tempted to just switch off to something else but I know from experience if I do, then I'll never come back to this one. But maybe that's for the best. If it's THIS hard to do, then there's probably some intrinsic flaw I'm building into it that's going to make it look stupid anyway. So what am I struggling so hard for? To make a dumb-looking vid? Why do I struggle AT ALL to vid anymore?

I lost my writing this exact same way. This same sort of stuff happened at the end, where it became physically painful to try and write, to face a blank page and realize that I had no words left in me to put on them. I have no clips for this vid. Maybe I don't have any clips for any vids. Maybe I should just give up on vidding like I gave up on writing and just forget I ever thought I was a "creative" person. Maybe I should just shut up entirely.

My apologies for leaving this where you can read it. I probably should've deleted it or made it private or whatever. I know you've all got to be sick of hearing this same old idiot complaining from me on EVERY vid. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hating what I love. But I don't know how to get around it. I don't know whether to leave this vid where it's at and sacrifice it to try and save my vidding as a whole. Or do I press on and force myself to use just whatever clips and finish this thing, knowing full-well it looks bad? (That's what I did with my first Supernatural vid, quite honestly, and now I can't stand to even look at it anymore. :S I let it be substandard and that's really embarrassing to have to admit.) So do I do that to this vid, knowing I'll be ashamed of it down the line?

And why am I making such a big deal out of this at all, right? It's just a stupid fanvid. It's not my career, not my only means of supporting myself or something like that. It does NOT matter at all in the grand scheme of things. So why do I make this so hard?

Which brings me back to that advice. If it's not fun anymore, then why do I do it? Maybe I should give some serious thought to giving up on vidding. It'll hurt but it can't be worse than giving up my writing. I identified myself as a writer from the time I was old enough TO write. I sold my first story when I was a teenager. I was a writer. But I'm not anymore. I can be a "has-been" vidder just as easily.

The other day, I saw one of my flisters mark her entry as "one I'll be sorry later that I wrote." This one is my "one I'll be sorry later that I wrote."

Again my apologies. I'm really tired and I just needed to rant a bit and get this off my chest. Sometimes, you just need to talk it out, just to try and put it all in words to explain it to somebody else so you can try to explain it to yourself. I'm sure that none of this is as dire as it seems right now. I'll probably wake up tomorrow knowing exactly the right clip for this next set (that has ALSO happened before *sigh*). But the question still remains: why do I do something for "fun" when it's really NOT fun anymore?

I don't know the answer to that.

Comments

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

;) I love that icon... lol

So, let me ask you this, then, Aislynn...what's your process of vidding? Do you map out the lyrics and then cut the clips and put them to the music you've edited or do you go bit by bit as you go along? I think, if you're not cutting your clips (ALL your clips) first before you even THINK about putting them in the timeline (...okay, put them in the timeline, but on a different layer than the finished product will be on), that'll at least cut the stress down a little. Once you've got those clips cut, do NOT go back and cut more unless you find that you've missed something. Seriously, just don't do it. It makes things harder.

Another suggestion you will probably freaking HATE, is that you could have two people beta watch. One, a non-vidder and one a decently seasoned vidder who is familiar with the fandom, footage and music. This way, you get two different opinions, both very valuable, and after you do that...LISTEN TO THEM lol. If they praise the work and go on about how awesome this or that bit was...believe them; they're not just making you feel good about yourself - they're saying it because they mean it. When you've got their feedback, too...don't fix what isn't broken. If no one mentions the fade transition that you're a little iffy about, then leave it alone; it's fine. Are you pickin' up what I'm droppin? You have to force yourself to let sleeping dogs lie. NO video is perfect. NO video. I don't care what anyone says, and EVERY vidder, no matter how fantastic their vid might be...has something about each and every vid of their own that they absolutely HATE. For example, I've had NOTHING but amazing feedback for Hit the Floor from anyone who has watched it, but you know what? I hate the beat use at the end...my cookie-cutters are sloppy as hell and it makes me cringe. The part with the clown makes me want to cry it sucks so much, too, and the part with Meg falling out the window didn't turn out NEARLY as cool as I wanted it to, even though that part, for example, was one of the things most people said they really liked a lot (with the jump cuts). So, really, it's just something you have to MAKE yourself do. cylune9 is totally right..."good enough" is good enough. *hugs*

/novel lol

Oh, and...in return for the Sammysmish:



Megatron!Hugs just for you...too bad I'm too lazy to mess with uploading that into my icons, cuz it's one of my faves lol

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

Are you pickin' up what I'm droppin?

That line alone was worth the price of admission! :D :D :D But yes, I did. You've given me a lot of AWESOME advice (Hey, you volunteering to beta for me? You know you have to get you an Official Beta Hat if you do that... ♥! ;) ) and I really appreciate it all!

Once you've got those clips cut, do NOT go back and cut more unless you find that you've missed something. Seriously, just don't do it. It makes things harder.

Duuuuuude! Does that mean you cut all your clips FIRST? *mind boggles* WOW, that's extremely impressive! *golf claps* :D

Here's my vidding process:

1. Usually I hear a song and suddenly get a flash of "hey, I could see a [whatever] vid to that!" In the case of this Skate vid, I got a couple of clear ideas of what clips to use at a few places.

2. Next I usually cut the song. ;) 'Cause viddergirl here doesn't DO repetitive lyrics and long instrumental breaks if she can help it. ;)

3. By this time, I've usually planned out my opening gambit. So I animate/otherwise do :P the opening and then and only then do I contemplate my first "official" clip. Then, when I've found it, I consider what clip is going to be the second one. And so on and so forth. ;) If I know a few clips that I'm going to use for certain scenes, I go ahead and roughly plug them in on the timeline and vid up to them (they're kinda like a vidding oasis! ;) ).

I actually vidded "Vertigo" with an outline, preselecting the clips and such, but that one had absolutely no storyline to it, so that worked okay for me. When I'm trying to form a story, though, I really can't preselect too many clips because I don't know if the story will support them at those places until I actually vid my way up to them. :S

I've had to discard preselected clips before because they really didn't fit the story once the stuff ahead of it was in place. Vidding often takes wild turns on me that I never expected, lyrics get interpreted totally differently than I intended or just the story takes a twist that makes that clip moot by the time I get there.

So yeah, I vid totally by blind feel, moving forward one clip at a time, having to stop and keep testing to see how the story "feels" while it's in this building process. Then I have to mull over where I want the story to go, so to decide what sort of clip will support that.

Geez, that's sounds insane once I spell it all out like that, huh? o_O ;) But that's the only way I can put a story in place, just one clip at a time, slowly building it and hoping that it turns into "something" by the time I'm done!

I hate the beat use at the end...my cookie-cutters are sloppy as hell and it makes me cringe. The part with the clown makes me want to cry it sucks so much, too, and the part with Meg falling out the window didn't turn out NEARLY as cool as I wanted it to, even though that part, for example, was one of the things most people said they really liked a lot (with the jump cuts).

No way! I would've never guessed that you didn't like all of that from Hit the Floor! It's an awesome vid (I actually just watched it again not too long ago! ;) )!

Anyway, thanks again for all your help! It means a LOT, seriously! And you can write a novel ANYTIME in my comments! I ♥ long posts, you know that! :D :D :D

*super(natural)!hugs!* *snort* Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) ♥♥♥

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

(Hey, you volunteering to beta for me? You know you have to get you an Official Beta Hat if you do that... ♥! ;) )

...well I most certainly wouldn't be opposed and hey...your Beta Hats are AWESOME, so I'm not sure I'd go down THAT road, because I could never compare, but I could definitely think of SOMETHING ;) Although, I'm not gonna lie...the idea of a vidder as new and rough around the edges as myself giving a vidder as amazingly creative and talented as you a beta watch...is a liiiiiittle bit laughable ;) BUT, if you think I've got enough expertise to give it a go, believe me, I'd be honored!

Duuuuuude! Does that mean you cut all your clips FIRST? *mind boggles* WOW, that's extremely impressive! *golf claps* :D

I didn't USED to. Kayla turned me on to it, actually and I did it with Hit The Floor. On that note, though, I DID have to delete some and go back to put new ones in when some things didn't fit. THAT goes unsaid. If you cut something that you think will work and then see that it won't, clearly you have to go back and find one that does, but OTHER than that instance, trust me...if you outline the song lyric for lyric or beat for beat or whatever it is you're seeing in your head...cut the clips via that outline FIRST and put them up on the timeline. Do your magic and if something's missing or something doesn't fit, go back and fix it. Just don't put a few clips in, then go back and cut more, and put those in and go get more, because that's how you end up agonizing over a three second hunk of song, you know? I managed to finish Hit the Floor as the second fastest vid in the history of moi, and it doesn't suck a LOT, so...that's saying something ;)

I'm telling you...try it sometime, even if just for a thirty second random vidlet just to give the technique a shot...it made things SO much easier for me! And look how fast Kayla punches out all those amazing vids! That Eko and Shannon AU...she did that in a day and a half. Seriously. Is that nuts or what?!

If I know a few clips that I'm going to use for certain scenes, I go ahead and roughly plug them in on the timeline and vid up to them

I do that, too. I actually do that before I cut any of the rest of the clips in the outline, because if there are scenes that I see clearly in my head, I need to do them first before I forget how I want them to look. Meg falling from the building and the bit with the little girl from Provinence in Hit the Floor were times that I had scenes in my head and put them in the timeline right away so I wouldnt' forget them. I just went back and tweaked them with color and and exact beat use later. They were really rough, but the idea was there just so I wouldnt' forget. I didn't get anal with them and I only spent about an hour on each scene, JUST TO BLOCK IT OUT to remind myself. Don't fuss with them until you actually GET to them in the timeline, you know? It slows you down a lot if you do and can frustrate you in the process.

So yeah, I vid totally by blind feel, moving forward one clip at a time, having to stop and keep testing to see how the story "feels" while it's in this building process. Then I have to mull over where I want the story to go, so to decide what sort of clip will support that.

The only thing wrong with this is that it's EXACTLY the thing that's making you so miserable when you're vidding. Maybe what you should do is either outline lyrically and make notes of beat use you want to utilize (this is how I do it) or do a very ROUGH out together without effects (unless there's a specific transition you're needing...skip the cookie cutters; picture them in your head until you actually get to them on the timeline--I did that with the beat use at the end of Hit the Floor. All of my really rough version of HtF were just the background clip and I'd just dart my eyes across the clip to where I wanted those cookie cutters to be later).

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

lol omg, LJ cut me off! bastards. Puppy is not pleased. ;) The rest of my comment:

But that's the only way I can put a story in place, just one clip at a time, slowly building it and hoping that it turns into "something" by the time I'm done!

It doesn't sound insane spelled out that way, but now that you've spelled it out that way, can you see how you're setting yourself up for frustration and slow vidding complete with agonizing tweaking in between? Slow vidding is not bad vidding, unless it makes YOU unhappy, and clearly, Aislynn, it's making you unhappy. What you need to do is implement at least SOME of my advice, especially if that's the way you feel you HAVE to do things, then taking all of my advice would make you really go nuts (lol)...and just see what happens. Pick a song that you're not in love with and that you won't mind seeing the vid scrapped if it doesn't pan out, the first time you try any of these techniques; that way it's not as heartbreaking if it doesn't work out for you.

No way! I would've never guessed that you didn't like all of that from Hit the Floor! It's an awesome vid (I actually just watched it again not too long ago! ;) )!

I hate all that stuff from Hit the Floor, actually lol, but that was just to prove to you because I know that you like that vid...even vids that you think are really well put-together and look really neat have things about them that the vidder who created them absolutely can't stand. But on the WHOLE...I think that Hit the Floor is, in the words of cylune9..."good enough." Game, set, and match.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help! It means a LOT, seriously! And you can write a novel ANYTIME in my comments! I ♥ long posts, you know that! :D :D :D

*super(natural)!hugs!* *snort* Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) ♥♥♥


You're so welcome. I hope it actually DOES help you, though...because after having read your vidding process, I'm wondering if my suggestions might just make your head explode instead of helping you at all :-\ lol

*Megatron!Hugs* (teehee super(natural)!hugs rule!)

Much love!!!

♥ ♥ ♥

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

Oh and...

What you need to do is implement at least SOME of my advice

Maybe even if you vid a few seconds (like ten or fifteen) at a time and send THOSE bits to beta as you finish them, then you can continue to do it your way, but not have to agonize over little bits and pieces, because if a beta sees that it's okay and doesn't think anything needs tweak, leave it alone. Then, when you finish the whole song you've cut, send THAT to beta and they'll be able to see the vid as a WHOLE and poke and prod it more thoroughly for you.

...you should probably refrain from encouraging me to write novels in response to you from now on, don't you think...? haha

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

...you should probably refrain from encouraging me to write novels in response to you from now on, don't you think...? haha

Are you kidding? I'm lovin' it! :D :D :D

Of course, I forgot how LJ would put my answering comments in this weird "not-under-the-post-I'm-answering" format, so I hope you're able to follow my responses! *eyeroll* ;)

Thanks so much for working this all out with me and trying so hard to find things that can help me! *squishes you!* ♥♥♥!

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

I'm totally following you. No worries ;)

And, believe me, it's so worth it helping you out if it means you'll keep trying to vid, because it'll make me so sad to see you stop :(

*Megatron!Hugs*

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

lol omg, LJ cut me off! bastards. Puppy is not pleased. ;)

Puppy Glare of Doom, FTW! ;)

What you need to do is implement at least SOME of my advice, especially if that's the way you feel you HAVE to do things, then taking all of my advice would make you really go nuts (lol)...and just see what happens.

You know, I've been mulling this over all day and I think you're EXACTLY right about that... I don't know that I can outline an entire vid and stick anything remotely TO it (I once tried doing a novel that way and got a lot of details down, including the climax which hinged on the fact that the male lead was sort of reserved and was extremely agorophobic... Well, when I started the actual writing, I couldn't KEEP the guy indoors! o_O And instead of a reserved personality, he was a total flirt! O_O So there went that novel! ;) ). Aislynn + outlines = disaster 9 out of 10 times :S ;)

However, for vidding what I might be able to do is script out the opening few seconds/first verse whatever, pick out the clips, everything, then start vidding. Hopefully, I can follow the outline but if what starts setting up is pulling away from the outline, I won't have done details for the whole thing that's now being scrapped. I'll make adjustments for verse two and continue on that way. That might give me the ability to vid "organically" yet have the speed of vidding by outline as well...

*ponders* I'm going to DEFINITELY try finishing the Skate vid in this way since we're already down to the wire storywise and all that so I should be able to get it across the finish line without it taking some weird turn on me! ;)

*happy dances* Yay, some hope, at long last! ;)

*super(natural)!hugs* ;) ♥♥♥!

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

*ponders* I'm going to DEFINITELY try finishing the Skate vid in this way since we're already down to the wire storywise and all that so I should be able to get it across the finish line without it taking some weird turn on me! ;)


Well...good luck! Any questions you have about the technique I've adopted that you might wanna try, gimme a holler ;)

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

Although, I'm not gonna lie...the idea of a vidder as new and rough around the edges as myself giving a vidder as amazingly creative and talented as you a beta watch...is a liiiiiittle bit laughable ;) BUT, if you think I've got enough expertise to give it a go, believe me, I'd be honored!

Duuuuude, I would so trust you to beta for me! I just haven't ask before now because, well...I'm obsessive and usually don't like to let people see my stuff until it's done annnnnnnnd it's never usually "done" even when I turn it in! o_O *twitch* Yes, I would definitely like your opinion, particularly on one part which I won't tell you about ahead of time (obviously) so to see if it sticks out as "off" to anybody else but me! ;) When I'm ready to work on it again, I'll send you a rough draft, if you don't mind having a look at it! ;) *hugs!*

And look how fast Kayla punches out all those amazing vids! That Eko and Shannon AU...she did that in a day and a half. Seriously. Is that nuts or what?!

*TWITCHY TWITCHES* Day...and...a...half... *falls over* Man, I think that's more than I can ever hope for, personally! But I'm certainly going to try to streamline this process down a whole lot! ♥! (Answering the next part separately... ;) )

[mistojen.livejournal.com]

Duuuuude, I would so trust you to beta for me!

Yes, I would definitely like your opinion, particularly on one part which I won't tell you about ahead of time (obviously) so to see if it sticks out as "off" to anybody else but me! ;) When I'm ready to work on it again, I'll send you a rough draft, if you don't mind having a look at it!

Oh my God, girl, of COURSE I don't mind. If you trust me to beta, then trust me, I'm more than ready to give it a whirl. I've only ever beta-ed for Kayla and I've never had to give her any like real suggestions because she's amazing anyway, so you'll have to let me know how you want me to beta you...harshness level, beat by beat etc, whatever, or else I'm just gonna go at it the way you do it for me. ;)

*TWITCHY TWITCHES* Day...and...a...half... *falls over*

...yeah you're not alone. She amazes me, too lol I could NEVER do a vid that fast and have it not suck. Say What You Will = perfect example of the point; finished that one in two days. The first day, I outlined and cut clips, second day I put it all together. It shows :(